I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
