I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
