I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
