the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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