Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
