i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
We talked him into tasing himself.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
