Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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