the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
