So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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