I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
