4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
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