i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
