why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
