Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
why is half of my head shaved?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
