using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
