I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
