He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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