Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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