why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
