Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
