Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
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