How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
