I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
