my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I would ride that face into the sunset
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
