Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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