if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
