I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
