Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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