checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
