Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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