Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
