That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
