saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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