My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
