You're completely useless in the revolution.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
