Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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