Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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