You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
