So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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