My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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