At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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