i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
