90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
It was confusing and full of hummus
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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