oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
The beer is more important than you right now.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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