Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
