Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just tell him i said nine months
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
