We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
