What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
