the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Even my vagina gasped.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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