I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
