Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
